Numbers

I'm sorry that this blog has turned from such a happy, fun, lighthearted blog about my sweet kids into a dark, sad, grieving one.  But this is my life now.  It's like I wake up everyday and it's April 28, 2012 again.  I just can't get past it.  I'm not ready to.  People ask me "How are you doing?".  I answer "I don't know how to answer that question" as I stare at them blankly.  They just stare at me like I'm going to give a different answer or make it easy on them by saying "good" or "ok".  Sorry.  Not getting that from me.  I recently received a book in the mail.  It's a "grieving" book.  I appreciate that this person thought of me (I found out later that they asked Jason how I was doing and he told them "not good") but I just can't bring myself to even open the front cover.  I feel like if I open that front cover then it means I'm ready to deal with all of this.  The death of my Dad.  MY Dad.  Steve Wood.  I can't open that book.

Something else that I'm having trouble with is numbers.  I never really had a bad number or a number I didn't like.  But now, I feel like most of them are bad.  I know my Mom is reading this and shaking her head because my Dad had issues with numbers too.  I'm a lot like my Dad.  I remember my Dad telling me that he didn't like the number "4" b/c that meant someone in his family of "5" was missing.  I now have an issue with the number 5.  Other numbers that make me stop dead in my tracks... "1"- this number stands for my Dad's birthday.  September 1.  This was also going to be the day he retired.  Of course "4", because now he is gone and my immediate family is down to 4.  "11"- this is a number we used to love.  It was his old football number.  Now it makes me so sad to see it.  "24"- He loved this number because it was his Dad's number in sports.  "40"- this is the number of years my parents were to be married this year.  "131"- this is the number of their new address and loved it b/c it was like each of the 1's stood for  Mom and the other for Dad and the "3" was their 3 kids in the middle.  Now one of the 1's is gone.  "28"- the night he died. "29"- the day we woke up to our first day without a dad.  "32"-the age I will always remember b/c that's how old I am/was when my Dad died.  "3"- Kohen's age and "8"- Saylor was 8 months old. "62"- the age of my Dad when he died.  I could go on and on.  And just so you know....I'm aware that I sound crazy.  I'm aware that I need help.