Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Why I stopped blogging & where I am in my Grief

I haven't blogged in so long.  I used to blog about 6 times a month to only blogging 9 times last YEAR.    Jason asks me all the time to please start blogging again.  The reason I stopped blogging is because my Dad died.  I stopped blogging and started writing him letters.  I've written him 50 letters so far.  I have filled not a notebook but 50, 9"x12" drawing sheets full of letters to him.  I'm out of those sheets.  I bought a new sketch pad to be able to continue writing to him, but I haven't been able to write in that one.  There's something about starting writing in a new notebook.  It's like I've realized that I will be filling a lifetime of notebooks with letters and he still won't be here to read them…
I think for anyone who hasn't lost someone extremely close to them has NO CLUE how exhausting, physically painful and how LONG grief lasts.  At this point I still find myself in the first stages of grief sometimes.  Shock.  I am still, after almost 2 years, in complete shock that my Dad is STILL not here.  I still find myself sending a group message to Mom, Dad, Shelley, Scott…  Then I will have to delete Dad from the list.  I'm just still such a mess.
I started seeing a psychologist in Little Rock about 5 months ago.  I go see her once a week.  She is amazing.  She had me bring my blog that I wrote about when my Dad died and she had me read it to her.  It was the first time I had read it in over a year.  It was almost unbearable.  I've also been bringing a zip-lock bag full of all the cards that I received when my Dad died but have not been able to go through those yet.  She suggested I go see a psychiatrist as well as her (I have developed MAJOR anxiety through the years and my Dads death has just made it even worse).  So I've seen him 3 times in the past 5 months.  I hate medicine.  I hate even taking tylenol, but I'm at the point where I just need some kind of peace.  We're still working through what works for me.
I have homework each week, whether it's writing an impact statement, googling "traumatic bereavement" or doing anxiety exercises (all of which SUCK, but seem to be helping), I really feel safe with her.  (She's also helping me with my weather anxiety!)    
In 28 days, it will be 2 years since my Dad passed.  In GriefShare, I learned that some people thought the 3rd year was the start to their healing.  I'm hoping that's true.  I just can't believe it's been almost 2 years since I've seen or talked to my Dad.  I still haven't washed the last outfit he held Saylor in.  She was only 8 months old, but talks about "PopPop" like she saw him yesterday.
I'm going to try to do a better job blogging about my kids and our lives.  Hopefully I can catch up soon.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Weather, Birthday & Arkadelphia

Channel 7 did the weather forecast from my backyard!  
I wrote to them about my obsession with the weather and I was so lucky we were chosen!  
 As soon as they got here and were setting up, my phone started blowing up with texts and phone calls! LOL!  I guess my neighbors were a little curious!

 Barry Brandt from channel 7 was the one that did the forecast :)
He grilled for us too!

Picture with the whole crew 

 Barry even jumped in the pool while on-air!  

This was SUCH a fun day!!!  I'm so glad my sister and cousin Laura were there too :)

Max, Kohen and Maddie


Ashton turned 4 this month.  He had an army themed birthday party.


My family and Shelley's family went to Arkadelphia to spend the night at Stan and Kellye's house.  
The kids had so much fun!  
Stan is doing an amazing job at being a PopPop figure for our kids.  We love him so much.   

The adults had fun too!! 

Asa and Kohen, lol

Saylor and Maddie

Kohen LOVES hanging out with Max :)

My kids were EXHAUSTED when we got back to Conway!  

Monday, June 17, 2013

Picture Overload

I haven't posted any pictures since Easter, so I'm going to try and catch up... 

I have a TON of pictures of Saylor because Kohen is going through a stage where it irritates him for me to take his picture!  

 My babies

My BFF Ashley

Headed to the George Strait concert!  

Just me and the boys!  Jason, Michael Leal & Paul Alveraz

I sure do love these two Texas boys :)

and I sure did love our AWESOME seats!!!  No zoom on this pic!

We're in the process of turning Kohen's room into a Star Wars themed room.  He got to pick his bedding for his new big boy bed...Darth Vader & Stormtroopers wouldn't have been my first choice, lol  Now we just need to get the bright green walls painted.

My sweet girl is growing up.  
This is my friend Tori holding her a few weeks after she was born, and now.

Playing in Mimi's bathtub and talking to Jinixie the dog

Kohen and I planted a flower garden while Saylor was taking a nap :)

Ashton and Kohen

On the Anniversary of my Dads death, we stayed the night in Arkadelphia at my uncle and aunt's house (Stan and Kellye).  It was great to be with family during that time. 

Max, Asa and Maddie eating breakfast

The cardinal that came to see us that morning (on the fence)

 After going to the cemetery we went to Mom & Dad's house to have dinner and let the kids play.

I now have Dad's Cardinal shirt he was wearing in this picture.

first band-aid 

Silly boy

 Saylor gives Mimi the best hugs and kisses

lots of golfing... helps me get my mind off of things.

Can you see Saylor in the mirror?  Cutie pie

Kohen's Mother's Day performance at his preschool.  He hated it.

It's pool season!  

Talking to his BFF next door

Getting a toy at Daddy's dental office

Treats at Mimi's house

These two have SO much fun together

Golf with Ashley 

I'll post more pics tomorrow.