Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Why I stopped blogging & where I am in my Grief

I haven't blogged in so long.  I used to blog about 6 times a month to only blogging 9 times last YEAR.    Jason asks me all the time to please start blogging again.  The reason I stopped blogging is because my Dad died.  I stopped blogging and started writing him letters.  I've written him 50 letters so far.  I have filled not a notebook but 50, 9"x12" drawing sheets full of letters to him.  I'm out of those sheets.  I bought a new sketch pad to be able to continue writing to him, but I haven't been able to write in that one.  There's something about starting writing in a new notebook.  It's like I've realized that I will be filling a lifetime of notebooks with letters and he still won't be here to read them…
I think for anyone who hasn't lost someone extremely close to them has NO CLUE how exhausting, physically painful and how LONG grief lasts.  At this point I still find myself in the first stages of grief sometimes.  Shock.  I am still, after almost 2 years, in complete shock that my Dad is STILL not here.  I still find myself sending a group message to Mom, Dad, Shelley, Scott…  Then I will have to delete Dad from the list.  I'm just still such a mess.
I started seeing a psychologist in Little Rock about 5 months ago.  I go see her once a week.  She is amazing.  She had me bring my blog that I wrote about when my Dad died and she had me read it to her.  It was the first time I had read it in over a year.  It was almost unbearable.  I've also been bringing a zip-lock bag full of all the cards that I received when my Dad died but have not been able to go through those yet.  She suggested I go see a psychiatrist as well as her (I have developed MAJOR anxiety through the years and my Dads death has just made it even worse).  So I've seen him 3 times in the past 5 months.  I hate medicine.  I hate even taking tylenol, but I'm at the point where I just need some kind of peace.  We're still working through what works for me.
I have homework each week, whether it's writing an impact statement, googling "traumatic bereavement" or doing anxiety exercises (all of which SUCK, but seem to be helping), I really feel safe with her.  (She's also helping me with my weather anxiety!)    
In 28 days, it will be 2 years since my Dad passed.  In GriefShare, I learned that some people thought the 3rd year was the start to their healing.  I'm hoping that's true.  I just can't believe it's been almost 2 years since I've seen or talked to my Dad.  I still haven't washed the last outfit he held Saylor in.  She was only 8 months old, but talks about "PopPop" like she saw him yesterday.
I'm going to try to do a better job blogging about my kids and our lives.  Hopefully I can catch up soon.

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