I haven't blogged in so long. I used to blog about 6 times a month to only blogging 9 times last YEAR. Jason asks me all the time to please start blogging again. The reason I stopped blogging is because my Dad died. I stopped blogging and started writing him letters. I've written him 50 letters so far. I have filled not a notebook but 50, 9"x12" drawing sheets full of letters to him. I'm out of those sheets. I bought a new sketch pad to be able to continue writing to him, but I haven't been able to write in that one. There's something about starting writing in a new notebook. It's like I've realized that I will be filling a lifetime of notebooks with letters and he still won't be here to read them…
I think for anyone who hasn't lost someone extremely close to them has NO CLUE how exhausting, physically painful and how LONG grief lasts. At this point I still find myself in the first stages of grief sometimes. Shock. I am still, after almost 2 years, in complete shock that my Dad is STILL not here. I still find myself sending a group message to Mom, Dad, Shelley, Scott… Then I will have to delete Dad from the list. I'm just still such a mess.
I started seeing a psychologist in Little Rock about 5 months ago. I go see her once a week. She is amazing. She had me bring my blog that I wrote about when my Dad died and she had me read it to her. It was the first time I had read it in over a year. It was almost unbearable. I've also been bringing a zip-lock bag full of all the cards that I received when my Dad died but have not been able to go through those yet. She suggested I go see a psychiatrist as well as her (I have developed MAJOR anxiety through the years and my Dads death has just made it even worse). So I've seen him 3 times in the past 5 months. I hate medicine. I hate even taking tylenol, but I'm at the point where I just need some kind of peace. We're still working through what works for me.
I have homework each week, whether it's writing an impact statement, googling "traumatic bereavement" or doing anxiety exercises (all of which SUCK, but seem to be helping), I really feel safe with her. (She's also helping me with my weather anxiety!)
In 28 days, it will be 2 years since my Dad passed. In GriefShare, I learned that some people thought the 3rd year was the start to their healing. I'm hoping that's true. I just can't believe it's been almost 2 years since I've seen or talked to my Dad. I still haven't washed the last outfit he held Saylor in. She was only 8 months old, but talks about "PopPop" like she saw him yesterday.
I'm going to try to do a better job blogging about my kids and our lives. Hopefully I can catch up soon.
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