Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Kohen starts Kindergarten and my crazy anxiety

I ordered his backpack early.  I bought his school supplies early.  I checked and rechecked his backpack twice one week before school started, then I checked it again the day before school started.  I had his clothes, shoes, lunch box, Saylor's clothes, shoes, my clothes, shoes, purse, keys all laid out the night before.  I had a check list for the next morning.  I woke up extra early.  I woke the kids up extra early. I had Jason take off work to go with me….but NONE of this could prepare me for the anxiety attack that was in my near future…  I THOUGHT I would be fine!  After all, I thought I was prepared!  Everything went GREAT, better than expected.  Kohen was super excited.  He was smiling and happy and couldn't wait to go to Kindergarten.

He shook Mr. Woodrow Cummins hand (the guy his school is named after) on the way into school, took pictures, talked to people he recognized, couldn't wait to see his friends and was ready to go to his classroom.

 So what the HECK happened to his Mommy???  I don't know!!  I was happy.  I was relieved that everything was going smoothly, but then it happened.  A feeling I know all too well.  As we walked into the cafeteria to find where he needed to line up to go to his class, it started.  I felt my ears start to get hot.  I felt the sweat starting to bubble up on my face, I felt my chest start to get blotchy and my breathing started to get more shallow. Jason noticed something was wrong and asked if I was ok.  I said no.  By this time a girl I knew was talking to me and I just apologized for the way I looked and talked about how HOT it was in there.  She looked at me like I was crazy.  I guess it was only hot to me.  I turned to Jason and told him I had to get out.  By this time I had sweat literally dripping from my face.  I found the way out of the cafeteria and into the girls bathroom.  I bent over the little bitty sink and just started splashing water all over my face (so much for makeup!).  I drenched a paper towel and rubbed it all over the back of my neck.  I re-wet it and let it run down my back and stomach.  Saylor was watching me and said "What's wrong with you Mommy??".  I said "Baby, apparently your mommy is crazy!" and gave her a big smile so she wouldn't be concerned.  I felt SO much better.  I took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom just in time to see Kohen and Jason following his teacher to his classroom.  I put on a great big happy face and joined them.

I am SOOOO thankful that Kohen didn't see my flip-out.  In the picture above, he is not upset at all, he is embarrassed that I wouldn't let him go!  We laughed together after that hug and we talked about how much fun he was going to have.  I could see in his eyes that he was more than ok with him being at school.  I think he was ready for Mommy, Daddy and sister to leave so he could start kindergarten!  

After we left, Saylor and I went to meet a couple of friends for a BooHoo/WooHoo breakfast :)
We had a great breakfast.  Afterwards, my friend Jessica told me she had bought me something.  She gave me a gift bag and a card.  The card explained how she had gone to an art exhibit over the weekend and she couldn't help but think about people she knew that have lost a parent.  (The art featured paintings about death, grieving and rebirth).  She hoped that the artwork would uplift me.  I flipped open the book and this was the first painting I saw, titled "Sitting Comfortably in Anxiety":  

As I read what was written beside it, I began to cry.  

How perfect was that for me to read today!  What are the chances of Jessica giving that to me on a day I was struggling with my anxiety. Especially because I have not experienced an anxiety attack in a very long time.  I took it as a sign.  A sign to continue moving forward.  I sign to celebrate my baby boy starting kindergarten.  A sign to celebrate that i recognize the signs I honestly feel are from Heaven.  

 Here's to a great school year and a happy, healthy Mommy.

*Oops!  I forgot to add these pictures after I posted this blog :)
My babies…

**I must also add that it is now Saturday, which means we have 1 full week of school under our belt!  I can not believe how smoothly this transition has gone!  Kohen really has started to open up and not be so shy around others.  He is doing so great and I could not be more proud of him!!!  Love my smart, compassionate, handsome little kindergartener!  

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