Today marks 9 months since my Dad died. He died when Saylor was 8 months old... she has now been alive longer than when my Dad knew her. That's really sad. I miss my Dad so much. It's still so hard to believe he's gone. I know he wants me to be happy and to move on, it's just so hard. There are so many things that set me off. Unfortunately when I'm faced with a 'trigger' I get in a very bad mood and have zero patience. I can be completely fine and something will remind me of him and then the anger comes out. We went to IHOP for breakfast Sunday morning. We were having a perfectly great day with our kids. Kohen was happy with his smiley face pancake, Saylor was eating her grilled cheese sandwich with a spoon, lol, and Jason and I were talking about his recent trip to Dallas. Everything was fine until Jason put ketchup all over his hash browns.... It was like a dagger in the heart. Just seeing that ketchup on the hash browns reminded me of how my Dad would always squirt ketchup ALL over his fries instead of dipping them in the ketchup. I immediately became very anxious, irritated and pissed off. Jason continued eating, not knowing the damage the ketchup had done to me. I lashed out about something and he, like always, was blindsided. He asked me what was wrong. I thought to myself "REALLY????? Is he REALLY asking ME what is WRONG???". Doesn't he KNOW the answer to that by now??? The answer is always the same to that question..."My Dad died.". So here I was irate at him for putting ketchup on his hash browns and he had no clue why! Of course he didn't know that would upset me...I didn't know that would upset me either!
At GriefShare on Sunday night the leader talked about how at some point, you have to make a decision about IF you want to get better. I NEED to make the decision to get better. I want to make that choice. I just feel like if I get better then that means I don't love my Dad or miss my Dad and that will never be the case. It is such a struggle.
I've got a long road ahead of me but I will be ok. I AM doing better I think.